I currently reside in an old 1900 farmhouse.
It’s in God’s Country, Ohio.
The neighbors are pretty friendly too.
[I am friends with all 7,334 cats]
Whilst cleaning one fine evening, I gazed beneath my stove and discovered a dead body! A. DEAD. MOUSE. BODY.
DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNNN
The scene was horrifying. I mean, what exactly happened here?! Why under the stove? Why under MY stove? Was it an accident? Murder? Suicide?
Whatever the circumstance, my house now has a GHOST MOUSE. As fate would have it, there were also LIVE mice. They were squatters and were pretty active squatters at that.
It comes with the harvest-time territory: plow the fields, the mice find new digs. Not one of those 7,334 cats offered assistance. Immediately I researched “Mouse Landlord Rights: The Politics of Eviction” and found this:
The CaptSure Original Humane Mouse Traps, Easy to Set, Kids/Pets Safe, Reusable for Indoor/Outdoor use [take breath here] for Small Rodent/Voles/Hamsters/Moles Catcher That Works. 2 Pack (Small)
The following is no exaggeration:
And when I multiplied the above equation by 2?
[I wave and yell, “Hi Mr. and Mrs. Whiskers!” Whenever I drive by. Don’t judge.]
If you are in need of a catch-and-release that actually works so well it’s stupid, here is an Amazon link:
https://www.amazon.com/UPGRADED-CaptSure-Release-Reusable-Hamsters/dp/B073GRKG88
Reusable-Hamsters … HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anyhoo
To honor the dead Grampa Whiskers (?) [I am assuming he died of natural causes unless there was a hefty life insurance policy involved] I acquired this Grampa Whiskers (?) cast iron door stop memorial. Enjoy the bunny molt and chewed walls as well.
SIX MONTHS LATER
The lights began flickering on and off. Sometimes they stayed off and I would have to go flip the circuit breaker to get them on again – only to have them flicker and go out once more. “Where is your circuit box?” I’m sure you’re asking. I am so glad you asked.
But I digress …
We all know what causes these flickering lights: GHOST MICE. Well, it just so happens I own a Ouija [an Ouija?] Board. For mice. I dialed up GHOST MOUSE.
“Mr. Ghost Mouse, are you flickering my lights?”
The room was silent as the planchette began to move! E-G-R-E-G-I-O-U-S
At least I think that’s what it spelled out. The lights were flickering and Mice Ouija boards are really freaking small.
Egregious: “shocking” My god. A message from the beyond! FLICKERING LIGHTS / SHOCKING! Wait …
I walked to the hardware store for a new switch and replaced it. And now all is well.
*This post is dedicated to one of my favorite comics illustrators, LIZ CLIMO:
–THE END–
PS. Fluffy says “Hi”
