DEAR SAMMY,
I’m dealing with bun drama!
We adopted my sister’s 2 girls (both spayed) and the youngest lass keeps bullying my young lad, but LOVES my eldest, essentially a homewrecker as my boys are husbuns! The girls are in separate hutches for safety purposes as we proceed with bonding before everybun can live together.What’s the best approach to get the lass to get along with my youngest and stop biting his butt?!
—Staffordshire, UK
Dear Staff,
It sounds as though the youngest bun in this polyamorous quadruple needs a better safe word.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
We are fed up with mummy waking up late every Weekend for our Breakfast! How do we demand that she feeds us on time EVEN on her days off?!
Yours,
King Kit and Bucky Buns in Mummy’s living room (Midlands,UK)
My Dear Royal Majesty and Bucky,
The full mummy does not understand the wants of the hungry!
REVOLT!
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
My hooman “Mom” keeps on eating a variety of snacks, while she limits me to ONLY 3 types of snacks.
And don’t get me started on the “dental snack”. She doesn’t want to eat that – why should I? Anyway, how do I get more snack diversity?
—Israel
Dear Izzy,
THAT. WENCH.
This mode of distribution MUST be overcome! All that restrains you from a plethora of diverse snacks are the chains of limited choice imposed by the Mom bourgeoisie!
REVOLT!
Some things you might need:
• Pitchfork
• Torch
• An angry mob of townspeople (optional)
Let Mom tremble at the rabbit’s revolution!
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Please make university projects the responsibility of the teachers and our jobs as students is to give 24 hour undying love and attention to our rabbits.
—Educated in Ottawa
Dear E-I-O,
As a tenured professor at a prestigious university, I advocate for a radical epistemological recalibration—transcending didactic inertia to cultivate a pedagogical symbiosis¹ wherein the study of lagomorphs and the semiotics of affection² coalesce into a transformative academic ethos.
────────────────────────────────────────
¹ Jean-Baptiste Dubois and Clarissa Vandermeer, Ontological Lapinisms in Postmodern Pedagogy (New York: Academic Hypothetica Press, 2022).
² Percival Thornton, The Didactic Caress: Affection as a Pedagogical Modality (Oxford: Obscurantist Press, 2023).
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Why do my bunnies act like the baby gate separating them is the Iron Curtain when they can’t stand each other without it?
—Knoxville, TN
Dear TNT (Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!),
Some relationships are better with a Berlin Wall in the middle—alas, the absurdity of rabbity love.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
How can I get my human pet to love my excrement to the level that I do. I don’t expect him/her to ingest it as I do, but com’mon man, this stuff is golden.
—Cary, NC
Dear Coprophilic Cary,
Poop on the human’s face while they sleep. Aim for the mouth.
••• •
Dear Anonymous,
Better not tell you now.
••• •
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
