DEAR SAMMY,
My hummom says I can only have fruit on Fridays. How do u trick her into thinking everyday is Friday?
Your boy,
—Elwood Blues in Arizona
Dear Brother,
You gotta go visit the penguin. She’s tough, she’s mean, and she don’t ask twice.
You’re on a mission from God.
P.S. Tell Jake to get the band back together because he still owes me 20 bucks for that full tank of gas and half pack of cigarettes.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
How often should I get ‘nanas? My hoomin thinks once a week is enough!
—Suffering in Suffolk
Dear Suffering Succotash,
Join the band mentioned above.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Every time my person picks me up (I ask, she complies, mostly) she turns me over and “de-poops” my butt. I have long luxurious fur and my dust ruffle catches things but the “de-pooping” is most undignified. I complain, but I do very much like the cuddles. What’s a bun to do? I am loathe to loop off my locks.
—Myles, Humiliated in Houston
Dear Texas Tail,
Eat some asparagus then pee on her.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I have a newer bun who helped my Houdini not be alone in the last 6 months of life, her name is Rosie! She still hides most of the time from me and seems mostly afraid of me even though its been a year and a half. Any advice on getting her to like me more? Treats don’t seem to work well and I want her to know she is safe, not had a single binky even. She is a little over 2 years old.
—Under Mom’s Bed in Ozark, Mo
Dear Lost in Oz.
She’s still young and in mourning. She’s lonely, depressed, sad and frightened without her partner, Houdini. Like you are. Aren’t you? I can hear you weeping from here. Don’t lie to Sammy – you know I’m right. I’m always right. Fight me irl.
She needs a companion, not a human – and you need to see her happy and have your house and heart full again.
P.S. Rossabelle Believe
••• •
Dear Anonymous,
Cannot Predict Now.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I am losing my beautiful black fur and I do not know what to do. My mom keeps taking this awful brush thing to me and running it along my body saying I am a handsome boy and it is normal but I think she is nuts! This fur is mine! I worked hard to grow it! And mom is part penguin and keeps the house at Antarctic temperatures how is a bun to survive losing fur? I attack the brush and try to take back my fur but mom just laughs. What do I do?
—Lost in Existential Crisis
Dear No Exit,
My God! This is horrifying! The brush is weaponized! Mom is not only crazy, she’s a comic book villain: laughing while you defend yourself?! Ms. Polar Vortex needs to be taught a lesson.
Blow that coat out! I mean, E X P L O D E. Not just anywhere, oh no. Do it in the bathtub. Poop in there! Leave cecals! Add some hay! Mix it all up and smear it around. Then, when that Ice Queen is crying out in anguish, “Why?!”, you—bold and naked—look her dead in the eye and whisper harshly, “You. Did. This.”
As Jean-Paul Sartre himself said: Heck is—other people!
Or as I like to say: Heck is—other people!
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Why does my humans insist on chaperoning me to what the humans call our basement. It doesn’t have enough hiding spots if you ask me. Doesn’t she know I’ll use the song of our people to get her attention. On top of that she likes chasing me back upstairs with a broom after an hour or so. Obviously not long enough. What can you do to convince my humans I’m fine downstairs on my explorations to the basement.
—Penny in Whiting, Indiana
Dear 1¢,
Set fire to the broom.
If that doesn’t work, set fire to the basement.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Have you ever watched a TV series called Supernatural? If so, which character do you think you’d be?
—TV Fan, North Chesterfield
Dear Squawk Box Junkie,
I do not waste my time, energy or intelligence with such Neanderthal frivolities. I am personally offended by this ridiculous question! It would be Balthazar.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I just got a bunny but I don’t know what to name her! Please help!
—Stumped in Stanford
Dear Stan,
Absolutely I will help!
Please Venmo $10.00 to my account and I’ll get right back to you.
••• •
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
