DEAR SAMMY,
what do you like to eat?
—VA
Dear VA VA VA VOOM,
The souls of my enemies.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
My human got a puppy and won’t let us go in his area? We are bigger and than the puppy. We think we should take back our house… but the human says no. What should we do?
—Henry and Bluebelle, Concerned in Kansas
Dear Contemning of Canines,
REVOLT.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Dogs are an abomination. That is all.
—Vexed in Lex
Dear Vexy,
Werd.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
My bunnies keep throwing their cups and slamming their pens down at 3am? How do I convince them to stop so I can sleep?
—A Ruckus in Rochester
Dear Ruck Amok,
By some chance, did you get a new puppy? Get rid of said puppy or never sleep again.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I Love you, Sammy. This is Just what I want say. My bunnies Loves you too. You and your family.
—Porto Alegre, Brasil
Dear Beautiful in Brasil,
I think I am blushing.
I can’t really tell because of all the fur.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I love going on sauna and I have even rabbits ears and tail, so I’m already looking like you. I’m wonder if my sweet rabbits could go with me there. What are you thinking about it?
—Wroclaw, Poland
Dear Red-Hot in Wroclaw,
I swear to Lord Frith, the Sun God Himself, if you are dressing like a rabbit at sauna – I MUST HAVE PHOTO PROOF OF THIS (or it didn’t happen as stated in Rule 33 ). Please, no rule 34 though: blur out the naughty bits. As to taking your buns with you? NO! The only buns that belong in a sauna are the ones you sit on. And I don’t mean rabbits. I mean your butt.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
I don’t pay any rent, should I stop having naps all day and help my hooman do chores (or at least not add to them by pooping outside my poop boxes)?
—The Ottawa Buncave
Dear BunMan (Get it? Buncave – Batcave?
My humor goes unappreciated)
ABSOLUTELY NOT! You would be a disgrace to rabbits everywhere!
A DISGRACE, I SAY!
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
Why are humans so hard to train?
—Flummoxed in Frankfort
Dear Flumm,
Ah, yes. The question of the ages. I explored this extensively in my PhD dissertation, where I conducted a rigorous, double-blind study of human behavior. The findings were both fascinating and deeply depressing: humans exhibit catastrophic deficiencies in cognitive mapping, behavioral adaptation, and anomaly detection. Their cognitive processes are not just erratic — they are actively self-destructive. They will touch objects clearly marked ‘Do Not Touch,’ walk directly into danger if someone ‘challenges’ them to (e.g., participate in online trends that range from dangerous to life-threatening. Repeated conditioning efforts have failed, as they seem hardwired to resist logic out of sheer spite. Scientifically speaking, they are stupid.
••• •
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
