DEAR SAMMY,
Your Hoomin Slave doesn’t respect you, because she refuses to give you back what’s yours: the Spork.
—Vienna
Dear V,
A betrayal most grave.
But mortals break easily.
Their will is but paper.
I stared. I whispered.
I haunted her dreams.
She cracked by day three.
The Spork is mine once more.
Balance restored.
Hey! That’s almost a Haiku!
The Spork is reclaimed.
In my grip, chaos subdued.
Balance is restored.
That is a Haiku!
I am the Haiku King!
Three lines bend beneath my will—
The seventeen kneel.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I is lionhead. My mane is perfection. Truly, is magnificent!
Why yet no sponsorship deal or model contract?
Dum dum hoomans no see dis talent? Dum dum hooms.
Behind couch in box,
—Lieutenant Commander Worf, son of Mike
Dear Commander-in-a-Box,
Clearly, the world isn’t ready for such floofy greatness.
Their tiny hooman eyes cannot process your majestic mane.
But fear not—we see you.
You are fierce beauty—
soft shed fur in every place,
floating through the air.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I see the Lady returned the ‘spork’ to you, may I inquire of your plans now it is in your possession?
Signed,
—Forever curious
Dear Fed,
I plan to take over the world.
Dear Agent of State—
I know who you are. Nice tie.
The world will be mine.
• ••
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
Hey could you please tell me about the “spork”?
SPORK is LIFE