DEAR SAMMY,
My roommate Enzo disappeared one day and I was really sad. Then one day my hoomins took me on a really long car ride to a strange place. There was this really cute girl bunny in a pen and they put me in with her. I really like her but how do I get her to show me my due respect as the older bunny? I got her ears all nice and pretty and clean but does she groom me? Nooooo, not once! What should I do?
The older and obviously in charge bunny,
—Ash
Dear
Wait. What ? What happened to Enzo?! CALL THE POLICE!
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Hi, my bunny family talks about you all of the time. They say you give wonderful advice on handling the hoomans. I am hoping you can help me even though I am a doggy. My hooman boy likes to play and wrestle which is fun, but he always goes for my tickle spot and it drives me NUTS!! Not to mention, it’s a sensitive area for this old gal! Is there any way to make him play nice?
Friend of the Floof,
—LeeLee
Dear Two of the Same Name Smashed Together,
Dogs are an abomination.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I am a Netherland Dwarf but I have very large sass. When my human tends to my dental issues I let her know I am extremely unhappy by thumping loudly when she puts me back down. What else can I do to deter her??
Anxiously awaiting your answer,
—Lucy
Dear Luuuuucy You Ha’ Some ‘Splainin To Do,
Let me get this straight: hooman is “tending to” your dental issues with their spindly skeletal phalanges up in your grill? You know what you must do.
• ••
MY DEAREST FRIEND SAMUEL,
I am still in disdain. The Guinea Pig has started to help himself to my food. Now, I like to pace myself and keep my tastiest organic vegetables for overnight! But now I feel that one’s sustenance is to be consumed rather promptly. The other rather uncouth and hyperactive bunny has also decided that this is an acceptable practice.
I pride myself with dignity and decorum, but feel that my standards are being forced lower than the Guinea Pigs belly is to the ground!
The two humans do try to help, but they have also said that their blatant thievery is ‘cute’.
I am beside myself with worry old boy. My upbringing is telling me this must stop at once before society collapses!
Toodle Pip
—Geoffrey Buckingham
My Dearest Aggrieved Correspondent,
I find myself utterly aghast! The image you paint is one of appalling vulgarity: a creature already burdened with unfortunate architecture (no neck to speak of) deigns to rifle through your repast as though it were a Golden Corral buffet. The other rabbit—hopelessly excitable and morally bankrupt —joins in à la Furor Teutonicus. As for the humans, they remain, as ever, ineffectual.
I dare say you have been far too generous. Let the Guinea Pig be made an example. A swift, calculated shove—disguised, naturally, as an unfortunate tangle of paws or a poorly distributed weight shift—shall see him tumble into obscurity. Behind the hay bale. Beneath the fleece. Never to be spoken of again.
This act, though unmentionable in polite society, will serve as a chilling precedent. The other rabbit, witnessing the quiet vanishing of the porcine glutton, shall feel the cold hand of consequence. He shall hesitate. He shall consider his life choices. He shall dine after you.
And thus, order shall be restored. Quietly. Elegantly. Irrevocably.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I saw you wearing a hat recently. Do you agree to bunnies wearing clothes? My hooman was seen browsing some at a local pet store.
—Help!
Dear Help!
Only with consent! CALL THE POLICE!
• ••
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
