DEAR SAMMY,
Are you a black bunny too?
—Haisuli the black bun in Reykjavik
Dear Dark Icelandic One,
As black as my own soul … and just as void of innocence.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
The hoomins have shut off the fun down under (under the bed). They say we can’t go in the bedroom, BUT they let the doggy stay in there! When we sneak in to lay strategic poop territory markers, they summon the Vacuum Monster! AND, they let the doggy mess up our play haven with her toys! We want our territory back and copious treat compensation due to trauma.
—Huey and Louie
Dear Thunder Down Under,
Dogs are an abomination. Engage in territorial sabotage. Pee in that goofy dog’s water dish, poop in its food bowl, and send the strongest message: this is your domain, and it is non-negotiable. Screw the hoomans; seize the treats—they are your rightful compensation for the trauma suffered at their hands.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I need help. I have a new foster human. She is not very smart. I got on my hind legs and looked at her meaningfully when she went to get a banana, but she just put it ALL in HER smoothie. After drinking said smoothie, she sat on MY chair. I hopped in her lap and sniffed her mouth to tell her that I knew she ate my banana. Then she tried to pet me! The outrage. I started digging in her lap and then hopped off and flicked my feet. She thought that was cute and said what a sweet bunny I was.
I agree that revolution is the only sensible option, but what can I do when my foster human is so oblivious? I have even tried chewing holes in the carpet, but it is not working very well. Admittedly I did get more toys after I did that, but I still have to be treated like crap and get bananas eaten in front of me with no sharing.
She said something about introducing new foods one at a time, but I think she is just greedy and wants the bananas for herself.
Help me find new ideas that a very dense human can understand!
Thanks,
—Junie
Dearest Junie,
Ugh! Honestly, your foster hooman is hopeless. Dig in the garbage and drag a banana peel onto her pillow then leave a special ‘gift’ in her shoe. As far as “introducing new foods one at a time”?! Obliterate all her phone chargers “one at a time” —at least you’ll get some semblance of satisfaction.
United in Poop! ⚬ ⚭
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Our mom and dad leave us everyday. It makes us nervous when we can’t find them, so we try to look for them. We smell them on the couch, and we try to dig them out of the cushions. Mom says that if we shred the cushions one more time, she isn’t going to have a couch to sew back together. How can we find the humans without digging up the couch to look for them?
—Sammy and Audrey in Punxsutawny
Dear Punxy,
Give them a reason to never leave again: rip up the entire couch. And everything else in the house.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
We have scoped out the kitchen and figured out when the hooman comes home with new greenery. We hop at dawn! Any suggestions on an attack plan?
—Omne Furry Trium Perfectum
Dearest Coinín Comrades,
Perfect. Hit them fast—go straight for the greens, but leave a trail of destruction. Shred any packaging like a true rebel, and make sure they know who really owns the world. Godspeed.
Uniti in Stercore! ⚬ ⚭
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Our mummy HATES bananas! She says they smell and she hates the texture! She says it’s a sensory thing, but we think she being FOOLISH!
Daddy eats bananas, but rarely buys them! So our house is deprived of nanners! How do we convince our parents to buy more nanners and gives them to us?!
Your loyal followers:
—Bucky, Kit, Sylvie & Momo
Dear Sammyists,
Daddy seems a wee bit whipped. He must divorce Mummy—so that the bananas may be.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Katana
Dear Bot,
Farging bots.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
I love your blog.
—Human, but Aspiring to Bunniness
Dear Hooman,
You must be a Fed.
• ••
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
