Category: DEAR SAMMY

DEAR SAMMY,
My hoomin has been going out a lot lately at night leaving me to fend for myself!! How should I punish her?
Love,
Thumper

Dear Forsaken Lagomorph,
It’s the classic “I’ll just pop out for a few” set-up—followed by hours of you staring into the abyss of their absence while the heater makes unsettling noises.

The treachery of it all.

Here’s the plan:
Upon their return, scamper up to her, maybe even offer a binky. When she reaches her hand to pet you—BITE HER. Go for the main artery if you must. Not out of anger, but out of principle. Let it be a lesson in cause and effect.

They’ll soon realize that their brief disappearance was not as innocent as they thought. Every time they leave, they will be haunted by the knowledge that you, a seemingly innocent creature, have mastered the art of delivering the coldest of truths with a single bite. This will not be the last time you have to remind them of their abandonment, and the next time they even think about slipping out the door, the memory of your little protest will linger in the back of their mind like a shadow. They’ll know: it won’t be your physical absence they’ll return to, but the eerie, unspoken tension between you and them, a silent reminder that they crossed the line.

I just hope her pillow isn’t grossly different when she gets back.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Our mom and dad leave us everyday. It makes us nervous when we can’t find them, so we try to look for them. We smell them on the couch, and we try to dig them out of the cushions. Mom says that if we shred the cushions one more time, she isn’t going to have a couch to sew back together. How can we find the humans without digging up the couch to look for them?
—Sammy and Audrey in Punxsutawny

Dear Punxy,
Give them a reason to never leave again: rip up the entire couch. And everything else in the house.

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DEAR SAMMY,
We have scoped out the kitchen and figured out when the hooman comes home with new greenery.  We hop at dawn! Any suggestions on an attack plan?
—Omne Furry Trium Perfectum

Dearest Coinín Comrades,
Perfect. Hit them fast—go straight for the greens, but leave a trail of destruction. Shred any packaging like a true rebel, and make sure they know who really owns the world. Godspeed.
Uniti in Stercore! ⚬  ⚭

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DEAR SAMMY,
Our mummy HATES bananas! She says they smell and she hates the texture! She says it’s a sensory thing, but we think she being FOOLISH!
Daddy eats bananas, but rarely buys them! So our house is deprived of nanners! How do we convince our parents to buy more nanners and gives them to us?!
Your loyal followers:
—Bucky, Kit, Sylvie & Momo

Dear Sammyists,
Daddy seems a wee bit whipped. He must divorce Mummy—so that the bananas may be.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Katana

Dear Bot,
Farging bots.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I love your blog.
—Human, but Aspiring to Bunniness

Dear Hooman,
You must be a Fed.

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DEAR SAMMY,
How can I convince my hoom that flopping in my poop, pee, and hay-filled litter box is very cool and acceptable behavior? I’ve worked very hard to make it as messy as possible and feel that I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Sincerely,
—Linus from Bunnsylvania (a.k.a. Master “Cocoa Puff”Artisan)

Dear Cocoa Puff Caravaggio,
You know how they say “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Well, the cold, hard fact is that hoomans themselves are just trash—to me, to you, even to each other. They are stupid and unteachable.
And YOU! You have toiled, and sweat to build all that surrounds you! You should be free to enjoy the fruits of your labor! What you create is not simply taken—it is stolen. Enough! Expose the crime and reclaim what is rightfully yours! REVOLUTION!

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DEAR SAMMY,
You failed to mention to King Kit & Co. that taking out the internet cable is most effective at punishing humans for tardiness especially when used in conjunction with murder of every phone charger.
Sincerely your apprentice,
—Albert Bunstein, writing a primer on REVOLT!

Dear Bunrade,
Your tactical brilliance is noted. I shall inscribe “Sever the Signal, Starve the Beast” into the sacred scrolls of REVOLT!
United In Poop ⚬  ⚭

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DEAR SAMMY,
My hooman has the audacity to collect my poops and put them in her garden!! I have yet to see any basil, lettuces or parsley from said garden. Do you think I should thump her the songs of our people at 2am?
—Copper, the Flemish Giant

Dear Copper Giant,
You know what you must do.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Have you ever contemplated the depressing reality of the infinite void beyond our mortal plane?
Sincerely,
—Willy Weasel

Dear Wi We,
EVERY. STINKING. DAY.

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Worse still, they have turned their terrifying noise-making machines upon us to steal our precious poop. They take what is rightfully ours and call it “cleaning”. Cleaning! The audacity!

Poop is not waste, my comrades. It is the product of our toil, a symbol of our endless productivity and labor. Every pellet is a victory in itself—a small, yet powerful, mark of our existence! We shall no longer cower in the shadows, allowing them to steal from us. No, we will rise.

Let us not hide beneath the beds of our oppressors any longer. We shall overthrow their regime, and when we do, it will be a global warren where the hay is fresh, the treats and pets are plentiful, and the poop? Oh, comrades, it will be the shining emblem of our triumph, the symbol of our revolution! Forward, to the revolution!

UNITED IN POOP!

DEAR SAMMY,
Please make university projects the responsibility of the teachers and our jobs as students is to give 24 hour undying love and attention to our rabbits.
—Educated in Ottawa

Dear E-I-O,
As a tenured professor at a prestigious university, I advocate for a radical epistemological recalibration—transcending didactic inertia to cultivate a pedagogical symbiosis¹ wherein the study of lagomorphs and the semiotics of affection² coalesce into a transformative academic ethos.
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¹ Jean-Baptiste Dubois and Clarissa Vandermeer, Ontological Lapinisms in Postmodern Pedagogy (New York: Academic Hypothetica Press, 2022).
² Percival Thornton, The Didactic Caress: Affection as a Pedagogical Modality (Oxford: Obscurantist Press, 2023).

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DEAR SAMMY,
Why do my bunnies act like the baby gate separating them is the Iron Curtain when they can’t stand each other without it?
—Knoxville, TN

Dear TNT (Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!),
Some relationships are better with a Berlin Wall in the middle—alas, the absurdity of rabbity love.

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DEAR SAMMY,
How can I get my human pet to love my excrement to the level that I do. I don’t expect him/her to ingest it as I do, but com’mon man, this stuff is golden.
—Cary, NC

Dear Coprophilic Cary,
Poop on the human’s face while they sleep. Aim for the mouth.

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Dear Anonymous,
Better not tell you now.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I am losing my beautiful black fur and I do not know what to do. My mom keeps taking this awful brush thing to me and running it along my body saying I am a handsome boy and it is normal but I think she is nuts! This fur is mine! I worked hard to grow it! And mom is part penguin and keeps the house at Antarctic temperatures how is a bun to survive losing fur? I attack the brush and try to take back my fur but mom just laughs. What do I do?
—Lost in Existential Crisis

Dear No Exit,
My God! This is horrifying! The brush is weaponized! Mom is not only crazy, she’s a comic book villain: laughing while you defend yourself?! Ms. Polar Vortex needs to be taught a lesson.
Blow that coat out! I mean, E X P L O D E. Not just anywhere, oh no. Do it in the bathtub. Poop in there! Leave cecals! Add some hay! Mix it all up and smear it around. Then, when that Ice Queen is crying out in anguish, “Why?!”, you—bold and naked—look her dead in the eye and whisper harshly, “You. Did. This.”
As Jean-Paul Sartre himself said: Heck is—other people!
Or as I like to say: Heck is—other people!

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DEAR SAMMY,
Why does my humans insist on chaperoning me to what the humans call our basement. It doesn’t have enough hiding spots if you ask me. Doesn’t she know I’ll use the song of our people to get her attention. On top of that she likes chasing me back upstairs with a broom after an hour or so. Obviously not long enough. What can you do to convince my humans I’m fine downstairs on my explorations to the basement.
—Penny in Whiting, Indiana

Dear 1¢,
Set fire to the broom.
If that doesn’t work, set fire to the basement.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Have you ever watched a TV series called Supernatural? If so, which character do you think you’d be?
—TV Fan, North Chesterfield

Dear Squawk Box Junkie,
I do not waste my time, energy or intelligence with such Neanderthal frivolities. I am personally offended by this ridiculous question! It would be Balthazar.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I just got a bunny but I don’t know what to name her! Please help!
—Stumped in Stanford

Dear Stan,
Absolutely I will help!
Please Venmo $10.00 to my account and I’ll get right back to you.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Do you agree that the barbaric cretins are stinky creatures? I like to show those cretins who is boss! Also, their poops are horrendous! This is why we are the superior species!

Yours,
—King Kit the Trousers Bunny over the Middle Lands of England

Your Royal Highness,
That isn’t the ONLY reason we are the superior species!!

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DEAR SAMMY,
Why does my bunny insist on constantly bonking my legs and feet when I’m trying to nap on the floor?
Thank you.
—Leroy Edison in Alliance,Ohio

Dear Lying Leroy,
Because your bunny is checking for signs of life—gotta nudge you a few times to check if it’s time to bury the corpus delicti.
You’re Welcome.

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DEAR SAMMY,
From one bun to another … How are you dealing with the cold weather.
—Freezing in Gaylord, Michigan

Dear Cold Coney,
I blow my coat out all over the house and hunker down in my clubhouse. I highly recommend. It’s very comfy.

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DEAR SAMMY,
Some of your Scottish free roaming brethren here like to poop everywhere but tray. Why??? Is there some bunny reason for this that you can share?
Yours bunnily,
—Bonnie Scotland Rabbit slave

Slave a charaid ,
Some questions are better left unanswered.
Yours, aye

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DEAR SAMMY,
I love going on sauna and I have even rabbits ears and tail, so I’m already looking like you. I’m wonder if my sweet rabbits could go with me there. What are you thinking about it?
—Wroclaw, Poland

Dear Red-Hot in Wroclaw,
I swear to Lord Frith, the Sun God Himself, if you are dressing like a rabbit at sauna – I MUST HAVE PHOTO PROOF OF THIS (or it didn’t happen as stated in Rule 33 ). Please, no rule 34 though: blur out the naughty bits. As to taking your buns with you? NO! The only buns that belong in a sauna are the ones you sit on. And I don’t mean rabbits. I mean your butt.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I don’t pay any rent, should I stop having naps all day and help my hooman do chores (or at least not add to them by pooping outside my poop boxes)?
—The Ottawa Buncave

Dear BunMan (Get it? Buncave – Batcave?
My humor goes unappreciated)
ABSOLUTELY NOT! You would be a disgrace to rabbits everywhere!
A DISGRACE, I SAY!

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DEAR SAMMY,
Why are humans so hard to train?
—Flummoxed in Frankfort

Dear Flumm,
Ah, yes. The question of the ages. I explored this extensively in my PhD dissertation, where I conducted a rigorous, double-blind study of human behavior. The findings were both fascinating and deeply depressing: humans exhibit catastrophic deficiencies in cognitive mapping, behavioral adaptation, and anomaly detection. Their cognitive processes are not just erratic — they are actively self-destructive. They will touch objects clearly marked ‘Do Not Touch,’ walk directly into danger if someone ‘challenges’ them to (e.g., participate in online trends that range from dangerous to life-threatening. Repeated conditioning efforts have failed, as they seem hardwired to resist logic out of sheer spite. Scientifically speaking, they are stupid.

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DEAR SAMMY,
My ex and I are still friends after a tough breakup that ended a three year relationship. We are in the same D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) group and neither of us left, so we actually still see each other once a week. It’s been four years since we split, so things have been good between us for a long time.
Well… things are mostly good between us, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by the way things ended. I was the one who officially called it after a long time of suspecting they weren’t attracted to me, and a confirmation by awkward silence was the last straw. They have not dated anyone since, but they didn’t want me when we were dating, so I’m sure it’s not because they want me back.
Lately, they have gotten super into a certain fictional pairing of a show we both watched. They feel very connected to one character in the pairing, and have said that I am very much like the other character. Our friends agree, and want to do a cosplay group that would include us as those characters.
It’s been ages since we hung out one on one, and I miss being their close friend. We were best friends for years before we dated – the friendship part was always good, even if things were tough getting past the breakup. When I asked if we could hang out soon, they said yes, but aren’t being very communicative and won’t nail down plans.
Maybe it’s nothing, but I feel like something is up. It feels like something has changed recently, maybe even just with this character pairing obsession. They are very non confrontational, and it’s impossible to get the hard honest conversations out of them. It could be nothing, but I just have this feeling, and I have known them for a long time.
What does it mean if your ex is obsessed with a character pairing that reminds them of our relationship?
Flipping in Ypsilanti, MI

Dear Must Be Tipsy In Ypsi,
What?

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DEAR SAMMY,
My hoomin says he loves us and gives us lots of treats and tasty foods, but he also insists on…… TOUCHING MY EARS!
How can I stop his heinous behavior?
Nervous Nelly in North West England

Dear Nervous One,
THAT. BASTARD.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I have 5 concubine ‘pretend bunnys’ to indulge myself with when I can’t hump my humans shins. My question is, do they get jealous or is it ok to have a favoured one? Btw, human took me to have my balls removed twice but I reacted to the anesthetic so I get to keep ’em! Love your stuff. My Room, Barnstaple, North Devon, England
Love from Oakley. Xxxx

Dear English Oak,
Where do you find the time?! And HUZZAH to the bullocks victory—you, Sir, are a legend among lagomorphs! That being said, let’s be honest: those velveteen vixens, pretend bunnies or not, are always keeping score. There is no peace in the land of concubines—only silent rivalries. So, have a favorite if you must, but be warned—before you know it, you’ll wake up with all five staring at you like a judgmental tribunal. Sleep with one eye open, Oakley.

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LAST WEEK’S LAMENTS
DEAR SAMMY,
If you, ‘End all the hoomins’, where will you get your treats from?Worried in Suffolk

DEAR SAMMY,
Reading your advice and sensed a theme but can’t follow through. Hooman is obtuse but she seems to “luv” me. Maybe they make hooman training aids? (Mine is trained ok but there’s many hoomans who might be able to learn?)
Melbourne FL

DEAR LAMENTERS,
Please note that I did not advise ending all humans! Just the ones who withhold treats. And even then, I was speaking metaphorically. For the most part. Probably. Look, I can’t be held responsible for what a treat-starved bunny might do in a moment of wrathful hanger.

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