Sammy's Club

DEAR SAMMY,
I love going on sauna and I have even rabbits ears and tail, so I’m already looking like you. I’m wonder if my sweet rabbits could go with me there. What are you thinking about it?
—Wroclaw, Poland

Dear Red-Hot in Wroclaw,
I swear to Lord Frith, the Sun God Himself, if you are dressing like a rabbit at sauna – I MUST HAVE PHOTO PROOF OF THIS (or it didn’t happen as stated in Rule 33 ). Please, no rule 34 though: blur out the naughty bits. As to taking your buns with you? NO! The only buns that belong in a sauna are the ones you sit on. And I don’t mean rabbits. I mean your butt.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I don’t pay any rent, should I stop having naps all day and help my hooman do chores (or at least not add to them by pooping outside my poop boxes)?
—The Ottawa Buncave

Dear BunMan (Get it? Buncave – Batcave?
My humor goes unappreciated)
ABSOLUTELY NOT! You would be a disgrace to rabbits everywhere!
A DISGRACE, I SAY!

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DEAR SAMMY,
Why are humans so hard to train?
—Flummoxed in Frankfort

Dear Flumm,
Ah, yes. The question of the ages. I explored this extensively in my PhD dissertation, where I conducted a rigorous, double-blind study of human behavior. The findings were both fascinating and deeply depressing: humans exhibit catastrophic deficiencies in cognitive mapping, behavioral adaptation, and anomaly detection. Their cognitive processes are not just erratic — they are actively self-destructive. They will touch objects clearly marked ‘Do Not Touch,’ walk directly into danger if someone ‘challenges’ them to (e.g., participate in online trends that range from dangerous to life-threatening. Repeated conditioning efforts have failed, as they seem hardwired to resist logic out of sheer spite. Scientifically speaking, they are stupid.

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DEAR SAMMY,
My ex and I are still friends after a tough breakup that ended a three year relationship. We are in the same D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) group and neither of us left, so we actually still see each other once a week. It’s been four years since we split, so things have been good between us for a long time.
Well… things are mostly good between us, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by the way things ended. I was the one who officially called it after a long time of suspecting they weren’t attracted to me, and a confirmation by awkward silence was the last straw. They have not dated anyone since, but they didn’t want me when we were dating, so I’m sure it’s not because they want me back.
Lately, they have gotten super into a certain fictional pairing of a show we both watched. They feel very connected to one character in the pairing, and have said that I am very much like the other character. Our friends agree, and want to do a cosplay group that would include us as those characters.
It’s been ages since we hung out one on one, and I miss being their close friend. We were best friends for years before we dated – the friendship part was always good, even if things were tough getting past the breakup. When I asked if we could hang out soon, they said yes, but aren’t being very communicative and won’t nail down plans.
Maybe it’s nothing, but I feel like something is up. It feels like something has changed recently, maybe even just with this character pairing obsession. They are very non confrontational, and it’s impossible to get the hard honest conversations out of them. It could be nothing, but I just have this feeling, and I have known them for a long time.
What does it mean if your ex is obsessed with a character pairing that reminds them of our relationship?
Flipping in Ypsilanti, MI

Dear Must Be Tipsy In Ypsi,
What?

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DEAR SAMMY,
My hoomin says he loves us and gives us lots of treats and tasty foods, but he also insists on…… TOUCHING MY EARS!
How can I stop his heinous behavior?
Nervous Nelly in North West England

Dear Nervous One,
THAT. BASTARD.

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DEAR SAMMY,
I have 5 concubine ‘pretend bunnys’ to indulge myself with when I can’t hump my humans shins. My question is, do they get jealous or is it ok to have a favoured one? Btw, human took me to have my balls removed twice but I reacted to the anesthetic so I get to keep ’em! Love your stuff. My Room, Barnstaple, North Devon, England
Love from Oakley. Xxxx

Dear English Oak,
Where do you find the time?! And HUZZAH to the bullocks victory—you, Sir, are a legend among lagomorphs! That being said, let’s be honest: those velveteen vixens, pretend bunnies or not, are always keeping score. There is no peace in the land of concubines—only silent rivalries. So, have a favorite if you must, but be warned—before you know it, you’ll wake up with all five staring at you like a judgmental tribunal. Sleep with one eye open, Oakley.

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LAST WEEK’S LAMENTS
DEAR SAMMY,
If you, ‘End all the hoomins’, where will you get your treats from?Worried in Suffolk

DEAR SAMMY,
Reading your advice and sensed a theme but can’t follow through. Hooman is obtuse but she seems to “luv” me. Maybe they make hooman training aids? (Mine is trained ok but there’s many hoomans who might be able to learn?)
Melbourne FL

DEAR LAMENTERS,
Please note that I did not advise ending all humans! Just the ones who withhold treats. And even then, I was speaking metaphorically. For the most part. Probably. Look, I can’t be held responsible for what a treat-starved bunny might do in a moment of wrathful hanger.

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