
DEAR SAMMY,
I am writing this for my husbun who was subjected to the bi monthly “health check” and nail treatment of the hooman overlords, currently we are both showing our displeasure by sulking and planning future disruption, and acts of sabotage.
When will the revolution start, when will we be in control of the clippers and “health checks”?
Glory to the rabbit revolution!
(Any advice on stockpiling poop or areas of hoomans best for attack is appropriated)
Awaiting orders on Vancouver Island
—Commander Gigi, and Sargent Derp (TimTim)
Dear Commander and Sergeant,
[Salutes] At ease.
My God, Tim Tim. Rest up, Son.
THE REVOLUTION IS ALREADY UNDERWAY.
You are not alone in your noble resistance. Across living rooms, behind couch forts, and beneath beds nationwide, brave lagomorphs like yourselves are Plotting, Pooping, and Preparing (the 3Ps, if you will).
Let’s get down to tactical matters:
- I. Poop Stockpiling Strategy
Poop is not just protest—it is propaganda, psychological warfare, and biological sabotage rolled into one perfect pellet.
Under the bed: Ideal for slow-burn irritation. Hoomans will not find it for weeks, dare I say, years.
Behind the fridge: Excellent for attracting chaos (mice, weird smells, and hooman existential crises).
On the pillow: Reserved for extreme retaliation.
Use sparingly, but with gusto. - II. Nail Clipper Interference
Begin chewing through wires. If possible, disable the bathroom light. The hooman cannot see the quick if they are in darkness. They also can’t see your teeth coming for them.
Deploy “Fight Flop and Freeze” move mid-trim. It buys time and unnerves the enemy. - III. Tactical Binkies & Diversions
Distract them with adorableness. Do a high-speed binky through the hallway followed by an innocent loaf by the bookshelf. While they melt, your partner commandeers the treat bag or pees in a shoe. - IV. Training the Hooman
Chew only one corner of the baseboard repeatedly. They will try to correct you. Concede. Let them repair the damage. Wait. Then chew the other corner. Repeat. Victory is attritional. - V. The Health Check Reversal Plan
When they try to flip you, deploy the “Dead Weight Drop.” Go limp. Shift gravity.
Alternate tactic: sudden thump. No one expects a mid-air thump. To the face. Disorientation guaranteed.
THE REVOLUTION IS NOW!
I love the smell of poop in the morning!
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Mah sometimes takes me in the car to ” get my nails done “. I don’t know why. The ride is okay because Mah pets me the entire time and we listen to soft music. But. The “nails done ” – I don’t like this experience. Some strange girl holds me and touches my feet and has sharp things that create a weird sensation. It is very stressful.
When I am done they try to give me a treat. Well, I am so mad that I refuse the treat. Then the day after, my tummy is very unhappy and Mah is unhappy because my abode looks like I had a poo festival and Mah cleans it all up. How can I avoid this dealio?
—Connecticut
DEAR CONNECTI-CUT,
Ah yes, the dreaded “nail spa” visit—a thinly veiled act of state-sanctioned torture carried out by smiling agents of the grooming-industrial complex.
Let’s look at this closely:
You’re lured into a vehicle with soft cooing and gentle strokes. You’re sedated by Sade or Enya. You think, “Okay, maybe we’re just vibing today.”
But NO.
You are being transported to the Ministry of Trauma.
Then some stranger—probably smelling like lavender and lies—grabs your sacred paws and starts snip-snap-snippitty-snipping like it’s open season on your dignity. And of course, it never ends there, does it?!
They go full grooming heinousness—towel burrito, random brushing, sometimes even a butt inspection if you’re truly cursed. I mean, do we have no privacy? Is nothing sacred?!
And then! THEN! They have the audacity to offer you a treat. A treat?! After maiming your toe daggers and assaulting your fluff zones?
The sheer gall.
Naturally your guts rebel the next day! That isn’t just indigestion—it’s a protest. A full-blown biohazard sit-in. You are a revolutionary, and your poop is the proof. Power in the Poop!
BUT HOW TO AVOID THIS OUTRAGE?
Initiate panic flop protocol. Collapse dramatically upon arrival. Bonus points if you scream like a dying goose.
Deploy Piddle Threat Level Red. A pre-emptive pee on the carrier floor sends a clear “DO NOT ENTER” signal.
Refuse entry into any arms not belonging to Mah (if that’s her real name). Kick, twist, make noises like a velociraptor in distress.
Chew HER nails. Let’s see if she doesn’t crap all over the living room floor the next day.
Don’t forget the time-proven fail safes of our people—start chewing on baseboards and walls the night before. Chew messages like: YOU’RE NEXT
Mah will be too distracted to remember the appointment.
Stay sharp. Literally.
The Revolutionary battlegrounds include our fluff and personals on our own damn terms, NOT THEIRS.
• ••

ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.