Field Monograph: Faolanus crinklii
Compiled by Dr. S.L. Pickerel
Department of Domestic Fauna Studies
Ohio Institute of Paranormal Ecology
📘 Taxonomic Classification
Described: Pickerel, 2025
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Lagomintia (provisional)
Family: Menthosauridae
Genus: Faolanus
Species: crinklii
Common Name: Wintergreen Bandit
1. 📝 Morphology & Identification
No confirmed visual documentation exists of F. crinklii itself. All identification is based on indirect signs, primarily wrapper spoor—small cellophane rectangles (~4cm x 2cm), typically crinkled, discarded in clusters or linear trails.
Figure 1. Wrapper Spoor Pattern
Crinkled transparent rectangles deposited without nesting, often appearing in toe-print or arc formations. Believed to be a communication or navigation mechanism.
2. 🌏 Habitat & Range
Core Habitat:
Northwest Ohio (approx. 41.5°N, 83.7°W)
Confirmed Range:
Up to 100 miles from the core zone, with sightings in surrounding counties and residential interiors.
Map 1: Estimated Distribution of F. crinklii
Dark green = confirmed core habitat
Light green = expanded sightings
Spoor confirmed in both rural and suburban interiors and exteriors
3. 🍬 Diet & Feeding Ecology
F. crinklii is an obligate monophagous consumer of Wintergreen Life Savers (Mentha saccharata tabularis). No secondary food sources confirmed.
- Foraging signs: torn or punctured wrappers
- Unwrapping rate: ~2 seconds per unit
- Rejection of non-target baits: 100% (Pickerel et al., 2023)
“The subject demonstrates a dietary rigidity unseen in most domestic cryptofauna.” – Journal of Applied Cryptozoology
4. 📈 Behavior & Temporal Activity
- Nocturnal and elusive
- Peak activity: 21:00–02:00 EST
- Observed behaviors:
- Repeat foraging at empty sites
- Wrapper scattering in known corridors (e.g., kitchen → couch → glovebox)
- Zero audio trace
- Post-foraging denialism in suspected hosts
“Spoor appears freshly deposited within minutes, often under conditions of complete silence. Witnesses remain unaware until a sudden and inexplicable shortage of wintergreen is observed.” – Pickerel, 2024
5. 🔍 Field Identification Protocol
To confirm F. crinklii presence:
- Survey wrapper sites daily.
- Photograph spoor with macro lens and oblique light.
- Map crinkle pattern density.
- Count remaining mints before and after periods of absence.
Do not attempt confrontation.
Subjects exhibit advanced deflection and may trigger localized cognitive dissonance (“The Grandson Defense”).
6. 📚 Reference Notes
- Pickerel, S.L. (2021). Unwrapping the Unknown: Faunal Markers of Midwestern Mintivores
- Pickerel, S.L. & Collins, P. (2023). Cryptofaunal Mintivory: Ecological Monotony in the Domestic Sphere
- Pickerel, S.L. (2024). Transdimensional Infiltration via Affection Anchors: The Grandma Effect
🔐 Conservation Status
Abundant.
Not subject to legal protection.
Local lore discourages eradication. Management strategies limited to rationing.
Appendix A: Visual Evidence of Existence of Faolanus crinklii
Collected and catalogued by P. Collins, 2025
All images unaltered. Locations and timestamps verified.
Figure A1.
Wrapper spoor trail, north/south alignment pattern.
Location: Eastern exterior of small farmhouse, Champaign County, OH (May 2025)
Figure A2.
Close-up of single wrapper (~4cm x 2cm).
Notable features: pressure-folded edge, leftward twist.
Location: Living room, Champaign County, OH (May 2025)
