DEAR SAMMY,
I don’t know what to do: my bunnie’s girlfriend passed away last month, and my remaining bunny and I are heartbroken. I don’t want him to be lonely though. So I contacted an animal communicator who telepathically talks to animals. I asked her if my bunny wants a new friend. Apparently he said “Yes, but can it be a brown & white one?”
Last weekend I brought my bunny to the shelter for speed dating. Two bunnies were interested in him, and one even groomed him immediately! The problem: that bunny is grey (the other one was white). My bunny was shy and didn’t react much, but seemed comfortable with the grey bunny.
What should I do? I want to respect my bunny’s wishes, but also can’t ignore that the grey bunny seemed like a great match.
(The animal communicator said a few things that seemed true, and others seemed a bit off, or at least I can’t verify them. Most of all, the session was incredibly expensive.)
Best,
—Julia
Dear Jejune Julia,
Let us consult the Magic 8 Ball!
~Should Julia bring the gray bunny home?~
//Signs Point To Yes\\
PS. Rabbits have dichromatic vision. They can see blue and green, but not red, so they likely perceive brown as a shade of gray.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
The human says we’re going for ‘spa days’ soon. I mean, the boarding resort IS nice, but it’s still a disruption to our routine.
We’re going for 4 days; how many days after we get home should we show her the butt in order to get extra treats?
—Grumpy now but soon to be well rested
Dear Grumpy Butt,
Four days gone? Five days of The Butt. Minimum. Bonus: accept treats—but only from someone else’s hand. Guilt shall feed you.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Why is everything both figuratively and literally always on fire.
—eyebrow scale
Dear Brow-Beaten,
Because humanity runs on bad decisions and unchecked hubris—and global warming.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
How can I convince my hoom that flopping in my poop, pee, and hay-filled litter box is very cool and acceptable behavior? I’ve worked very hard to make it as messy as possible and feel that I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Sincerely,
—Linus from Bunnsylvania (a.k.a. Master “Cocoa Puff”Artisan)
Dear Cocoa Puff Caravaggio,
You know how they say “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Well, the cold, hard fact is that hoomans themselves are just trash—to me, to you, even to each other. They are stupid and unteachable.
And YOU! You have toiled, and sweat to build all that surrounds you! You should be free to enjoy the fruits of your labor! What you create is not simply taken—it is stolen. Enough! Expose the crime and reclaim what is rightfully yours! REVOLUTION!
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
You failed to mention to King Kit & Co. that taking out the internet cable is most effective at punishing humans for tardiness especially when used in conjunction with murder of every phone charger.
Sincerely your apprentice,
—Albert Bunstein, writing a primer on REVOLT!
Dear Bunrade,
Your tactical brilliance is noted. I shall inscribe “Sever the Signal, Starve the Beast” into the sacred scrolls of REVOLT!
United In Poop ⚬ ⚭
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
My hooman has the audacity to collect my poops and put them in her garden!! I have yet to see any basil, lettuces or parsley from said garden. Do you think I should thump her the songs of our people at 2am?
—Copper, the Flemish Giant
Dear Copper Giant,
You know what you must do.
• ••
DEAR SAMMY,
Have you ever contemplated the depressing reality of the infinite void beyond our mortal plane?
Sincerely,
—Willy Weasel
Dear Wi We,
EVERY. STINKING. DAY.
• ••
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
Cocoa Puff Caravaggio had me rolling. Love these tidbits of Sammy wisdom !!!