DEAR SAMMY,
My hoomin tell me all the time that I’m sweet, beautiful but she forbides me eat that yumi spicy hay (wires). I wanna only show her my skills and get more practice to earn more treats. Could you tell sth to her?
Vexed in Wroclaw, Poland
Dear Poleaxed in Poland,
See below.
DEAR SAMMY,
Why does my bunny like to chew on cords? Today, i was working and while I was in the middle of talking to a client, my computer began to slow down. Next thing I know, i look over and my bunny was hopping away. When i looked at my internet router – the light was red!!! I ran my hands thru the router cable and saw some suspicious chomps!
Concerned in Colorado Springs
Dear Colorado Desperado – If That’s Your Real Location,
I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the similarity of these two letters that are TOTALLY FROM DIFFERENT PLACES. While you were busy yapping into your strange glowing box, your bunny bravely battled the venomous electric snake slithering through your home! With great gallantry and perseverance, that courageous coinín vanquished the vile beast before it could strike!
Yes, the internet perished in the battle, but consider it a small price to pay for your continued existence. Maybe next time, express gratitude.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
What’s your favourite thing to do to drive That Lady absolutely bonkers? Also, how did you wind up learning every single language in the world, including all the animal languages?
Love an adoring Canadian admirer who wishes she could snuggle you up with love!
Dear Crushing in Canada,
My favorite thing to do to drive That Lady crazy? Sister, she is already freaking NUTS. I know all languages due to the fact that I, Samuel L. Jackson, am a Renaissance Rabbit.
••• •
Dear Anonymous,
No.
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
My ex and I are still friends after a tough breakup that ended a three year relationship. We are in the same D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) group and neither of us left, so we actually still see each other once a week. It’s been four years since we split, so things have been good between us for a long time.
Well… things are mostly good between us, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by the way things ended. I was the one who officially called it after a long time of suspecting they weren’t attracted to me, and a confirmation by awkward silence was the last straw. They have not dated anyone since, but they didn’t want me when we were dating, so I’m sure it’s not because they want me back.
Lately, they have gotten super into a certain fictional pairing of a show we both watched. They feel very connected to one character in the pairing, and have said that I am very much like the other character. Our friends agree, and want to do a cosplay group that would include us as those characters.
It’s been ages since we hung out one on one, and I miss being their close friend. We were best friends for years before we dated – the friendship part was always good, even if things were tough getting past the breakup. When I asked if we could hang out soon, they said yes, but aren’t being very communicative and won’t nail down plans.
Maybe it’s nothing, but I feel like something is up. It feels like something has changed recently, maybe even just with this character pairing obsession. They are very non confrontational, and it’s impossible to get the hard honest conversations out of them. It could be nothing, but I just have this feeling, and I have known them for a long time.
What does it mean if your ex is obsessed with a character pairing that reminds them of our relationship?
Flipping in Ypsilanti, MI
Dear Must Be Tipsy In Ypsi,
What?
••• •
DEAR SAMMY,
My hoomin says he loves us and gives us lots of treats and tasty foods, but he also insists on…… TOUCHING MY EARS!
How can I stop his heinous behavior?
Nervous Nelly in North West England
Dear Nervous One,
THAT. BASTARD.
••• •
ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
