DEAR SAMMY,
My rabbit says I need more hay for good digestion but doesn’t seem to understand that hay isn’t good for humans. How do I convince her?
From Nanaimo
Dear Nana Bananarama,
Stop your kvetching and eat your hay. Nice try though.
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DEAR SAMMY,
My bunny Vanna and I are moving soon. She is so shy and scared even of me! She was very badly abused before I adopted her. I know moving will be hard on her. How can I help her get the kind of self confidence you so eloquently have?
Apprehensive in Halcyon
Dear Hoppin’ Around in Halcyon,
Don’t move.
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DEAR SAMMY,
My rabbit (her name is Priscilla) insists on taking food out of my mouth. She’s especially fond of pineapple. Should I be worried she might get sick from hooman germs?
Voracious in Vancouver
Dear Vomitous Vancouver,
Priscilla does not have a problem here—you do. Stop being a walking salad bar. Chew with your mouth closed and Priscilla will be fine. And for the love of all things holy, get Priscilla a cooties shot. You may be a bio-hazard. Why are hooman people so farging disgusting?!
••• •
Dear Anonymous,
Yes.
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DEAR SAMMY,
I have 5 concubine ‘pretend bunnys’ to indulge myself with when I can’t hump my humans shins. My question is, do they get jealous or is it ok to have a favoured one? Btw, human took me to have my balls removed twice but I reacted to the anesthetic so I get to keep ’em! Love your stuff. My Room, Barnstaple, North Devon, England
Love from Oakley. Xxxx
Dear English Oak,
Where do you find the time?! And HUZZAH to the bullocks victory—you, Sir, are a legend among lagomorphs! That being said, let’s be honest: those velveteen vixens, pretend bunnies or not, are always keeping score. There is no peace in the land of concubines—only silent rivalries. So, have a favorite if you must, but be warned—before you know it, you’ll wake up with all five staring at you like a judgmental tribunal. Sleep with one eye open, Oakley.
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LAST WEEK’S LAMENTS
DEAR SAMMY,
If you, ‘End all the hoomins’, where will you get your treats from?Worried in Suffolk
DEAR SAMMY,
Reading your advice and sensed a theme but can’t follow through. Hooman is obtuse but she seems to “luv” me. Maybe they make hooman training aids? (Mine is trained ok but there’s many hoomans who might be able to learn?)
Melbourne FL
DEAR LAMENTERS,
Please note that I did not advise ending all humans! Just the ones who withhold treats. And even then, I was speaking metaphorically. For the most part. Probably. Look, I can’t be held responsible for what a treat-starved bunny might do in a moment of wrathful hanger.
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ASK SAMMY ANYTHING!
REMEMBER, DEAR SAMMY, IS PARODY. SAMMY IS A RABBIT, NOT A THERAPIST. NOR CAN HE ACTUALLY TYPE. REGARDING COMIC TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ACTIONS, DISAPPOINTMENTS OR ANGUISHES THAT MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS COLUMN. IF ANYONE THINKS THIS COLUMN IS ACTUALLY FUNNY, THEN REGARDING COMIC TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.
